Pied Things

Glory be to God for dappled things –
For skies of couple-colour as a brinded cow;
For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;
Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches’ wings;
Landscape plotted and pieced — fold, fallow, and plough;
And all trades, their gear and tackle and trim.
All things counter, original, spare, strange;
Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)
With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim;
He fathers-forth whose beauthy is past change:
Praise him.

by Gerard Manley Hopkins

What to do when depression lurks

I’ve had some fairly stressful events over the last couple of months and I admit, they got me down. It’s just human to have an emotional reaction to some life challenges and I think I had a pretty normal response. But the last few weeks I’ve noticed a change, a change that tells me I’m not having a normal stress reaction anymore. Because I’ve been here before, I know this isn’t just a stage of grief or stress for me. Depression is lurking.

I’m not angry and restless any more. I’m lethargic and “don’t care.” I just want to be alone. I don’t want to talk to or see anyone. I don’t want to go to work (more than usual). I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to go to a party, go to a movie or anything else that someone might suggest with the phrase, “Come on, it’ll be fun.” No, it won’t be fun. Especially if you keep telling me to have fun.

I have increasing thoughts of hopelessness. Not necessarily about myself even. I’ll see a freeway full of cars and instead of being neutral or thinking something like, “Gee, look at that mass of humanity, going to work to be productive. Isn’t it amazingly wonderful?” (I actually get like that, too, sometimes), I’m thinking “Look at all those cars. How can this planet support all those people? All those desperate consumers, commuters, polluters?” Etc. This is not an empowering attention to something that needs fixing. I’m not saying, “Gee, I need to work on a carpool campaign” or “How can I make a difference?” I’m seeing the darker side of things and watching my mood follow (mood-thought, chicken-egg). The world looks bleak.

Although I do not believe that depression is something one can “snap out of” through willpower, I do acknowledge that my thoughts can contribute to pushing me over the edge into a downward spiral and that some activities can move me further from that edge. And that’s what this post is about. I don’t know if this lurking depression is about the stress of the last few months, depleted serotonin or decreased daylight. Those are things I do want to investigate. But I can’t wait to figure it out before I do something. Because now, when it’s lurking but hasn’t overtaken me, is when I still have a bit of motivation, a residue of energy and just enough hope to actually act. And action has a way of perpetuating itself. A bit of action leads to a bit of action and next thing you know you haven’t spent the whole day in bed.

You might be surprised by this list. You might expect things like “take medication”, “go see a therapist”. Or tips like “see depression as an experience you are having, not who you are”,”notice when you first started feeling this way and see what triggered your depression” and “get daily exercise and sunshine.” I have those lists. But this is different and has its own purpose. The items might seem silly, hardly worth writing down on a slip of paper, much less writing a whole, rather long blog about. But read the list first (or skim it, really, it’s OK with me, unless you are looking for something to do for yourself) and then see.

Short-term, stop the spiral, active-not-passive things I can do when I feel the beast lurking in the shadows:

• Clean the kitchen sink (or the bathroom)
• Go to a Movie
• Read a book
• Call a friend
• Netflix comedy videos
• Dance – just turn on some music and dance
• Do yoga
• Go for a short walk inside or outside
• Go for a long walk inside or outside
• Get on a treadmill
• Go for a walk in the rain
• Do the 3 Minute Breathing Space (something I learned in my Mindfulness Class for depression)
• Do a 10 Minute Breathing Meditation (another one from my class)
• Do a 40 Minute Meditation (from the class)
• Take a bath or shower
• Hug someone
• Pay someone a huge compliment
• Listen to energetic music (make a list/playlist ahead of time)
• Read some comics
• Pull some weeds
• Plant a plant
• Buy some fresh flowers
• Water the house plants
• Pick one task that’s part of a larger project and do just that one task
• Do 2 things every day, even if those 2 things are just brushing your teeth and taking a shower
• Brush Cecily (my dog)
• Put clean sheets on the bed, fresh towels in the bathroom
• Write a letter/email to someone
• Gather clothes and other things to donate to Goodwill
• Actually take a trip to Goodwill with the items previously collected
• Write a story
• Practice an instrument
• Art: Draw a picture, color a picture, make a collage from magazines
• Go outside and do a 5 minute listening meditation
• Write in a journal
• Look at pictures from your travels
• Organize the heck out of a room
• Meet a friend for coffee
• Think up things to add to this list
• Go to the library and read magazines, just to get out of the house and around people
• Go to a lake, river or ocean and watch the water
• Photograph the P (dog)
• Brighten someone else’s day
• Go to the zoo
• Go to the aquarium
• Go to the museum
• Make a list of things you’re thankful for
• Find a poem and read it
• Bake something to bring to work for co-workers
• Look around and see if anyone near you needs help with anything
• Take the P (again, my dog) to the park

Is reading a poem going irradicate my depression? No. Is giving someone a hug going to cure me? No. But these are little steps that can build on little steps. Something for the now. Because wallowing doesn’t help. Sleeping my life away doesn’t help. Sometimes, cleaning the kitchen sink makes me feel a little better about myself. Sometimes, getting out of the house gets me going enough to keep going. Sometimes doing one thing gives me enough inertia to try another thing. And if something gets me through today, maybe something else will get me through tomorrow.

It seems simplistic. But even when I’m just on the edge of depression my whole self seems to rebel against even these “trivial” things. But that’s kind of the point. No matter how low I get, if I can do something, almost anything, I feel better.

Why make a list? If you’ve ever been depressed and felt that absolutely profound paralysis, you know that is not the time to come up with a list. It’s like Jon Kabat-Zinn said (to paraphrase, because I don’t have the quotation right in front of me), “You don’t want to start weaving the parachute after you’ve jumped.” So making a list, no matter how silly it seems, is helpful to me. Maybe if I’m in bed on a Saturday and really don’t feel like getting up, maybe I’ll just peak at the list. And if I peak at the list, maybe I’ll see something I’m willing to do. And maybe I won’t spend the entire day in bed, continuing the cycle of guilt and depression.

Notes: I have 2 concerns about this post.

1) Someone who knows me will think I might be in trouble because they didn’t realize I was depressed and are now worried. Please, if you know me and are concerned, be assured first off that I am not suicidal. Also, this is something I deal with on a fairly regular basis so it’s not a new scary development. I’m getting better at getting better all the time!

2) Someone who doesn’t know me may think that this is a Pollyanna kind of post that discourages conventional treatment. I am not discouraging anyone from seeking the help of a doctor or therapist. I’ve simply found that this list is a tool, one among many, that I can use to avoid sinking ever deeper into depression. It’s a “catch me, I’m falling” kind of list. It’s a pack of LifeSaver’s in a diabetic’s purse. It is not intended as a replacement for or commentary on therapy or medication and certainly, most certainly, is not intended as a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”, “cure yourself”, “it ain’t that bad” kind of lecture.

Wait! Don’t buy new toner!

Yet. Maybe.

At least read this Slate blurb first.

Black Thumb Blogger

Do you ever start a post that seems really interesting, that you really want to share with all 2.5 of your readers and, in the course of editing, strangle every ounce of life out of? Just did that.

Could be why I have more “drafts” than “posts.” I also keep house plants until I can no longer deny that the only thing living in the pot is soil microbes (unsubstantiated factoid: more houseplants are killed by over watering than under watering.)

So, rather than writing about them, I’ll just let you know that I tried to share a few thoughts on these articles but I failed. But the articles are still interesting (I didn’t edit them!).

Portugal changing Portugal’s Portuguese to be more like Brazil’s Portuguese, from the BBC via Language Hat

The Carbon Footprint of Food, research from Carnegie Mellon on Marginal Revolution

Body Position Affects Memory for Events, from Cognition on Cognitive Daily

So many, so little, so… so… so…

I was supposed to be training for that triathlon in August.

I’ve got 20 books out from the library, a dozen on loan from friends and 4 more waiting on the holds shelf. And a list mile long of books I want to read on Good Reads.

I know I’m a writer and therefore I should be writing every day so that someday someone else will also know I am a writer.

I’ve got those pen and watercolor drawings I’ve been meaning to do.

I bought a new digital camera 3 months ago and still haven’t even learned how to use all the features.

I keep meaning to brush up on my diffy-q’s and linear algebra and stuff so I can start taking classes again.

I really need to paint my house.

The dog needs clipping and she still can’t read.

I gotta learn Adobe Premiere for work.

And then, of course, there are the bills to pay and all that stuff we won’t go into.

The point is – what was I doing last night?

Playing Link’s Crossbow Training! (And it was fun, heehee.)

FreeRice.com

OK, even snopes doesn’t have anything bad to say (see http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/charity/freerice.asp) so get over there and play!

www.FreeRice.com donates 20 grains of rice to the UN’s World Food Programme for every vocabulary word you get right.  They get the money from the advertisers that have banners on the site.

It’s the perfect game for a little mental break at work and it does have a good algorithm to increase the difficulty of the words to your level and retest you on the ones you missed.  If you have cookies on you can set this and other behavior on the Options page.

View their FAQ here.

Grumpy Friday

So I’m going off of an antidepressant and it sucks. “They” call it “discontinuation syndrome” now that “they” admit that there is a problem with their drug. Most people call it “withdrawal.” I call it worse than any depression I ever had. If you look up “effexor withdrawal” on Google you will get over 370,000 links that include descriptions of this particular brand of hell. Symptoms include agitation, anorexia, anxiety, confusion, impaired coordination , diarrhea, dizziness, dry mouth, dysphoric mood, fasciculation (muscle twitching) , fatigue, headaches, hypomania, insomnia, nausea, nervousness, nightmares, sensory disturbances (including shock-like electrical sensations), somnolence, sweating, tremor, vertigo, and vomiting according to the FDA (pdf here). Apparently there are also long term vision issues coming to light.

I can deal with the brain zaps, the nausea, the headaches. What I’m not sure I can deal with (OK, deal with and keep my job) is the irritability. Normally I don’t even think to use my horn, now I am swearing up a storm at the other drivers on the road. I’m almost enjoying t-shirts that mix kittens and death (if only they were less cute). And I’m reading lots of curmudgeonly stuff that gives me the illusion of someone commiserating.

If you should find yourself in a similarly mood I have some reading recommendations. First there’s this page about Technology that is still Useful but DEAD (the comments are even better – here’s where the curmudgeons disagree and fight/whine about it). These people aren’t luddites (well, at least not all of them). They just recognize that some things used to be better. That there’s a real reason that things used to last and last and now similar items need to be replaced every year or two. We can all remember things like this. Growing up we had the same iron and same toaster that my parents had before I was born. 20+ years. Ha! So if you want to gripe or read gripes about the lack of timing chains and dual handled shower faucets that’s the place to go. If you want to read about Dead Technology that sucked then and still sucks the same guy did that, too. From 8-tracks to guillotines, stuff that sucks and went the way of the dodo.

There is also a curmudgeon blogger who has lots of things to be grumpy about. I was whining about his lack of punctuation while I read it (and I’m no grammar prosecutor). “A few commas would be helpful for your simple-minded reader across the pond, Philip. ” Oh, OK, it was just the first sentence that I had to read 3 times to understand. Hey, I’m in withdrawal here. Did I mention the brain fog?

Brain fog and grumpiness are not good companions. I feel like I’m watching the world in slow motion but it’s still to fast for me to react to. But I also find that my internal crankiness censors are even more delayed. For instance, today a co-worker invited a group of people to go to lunch but for some reason excluded me. (Hey, before you start saying there was a good reason, I honestly think he just forgot – we don’t have much interaction and aren’t good friends or anything). I shot off a “Hey, am I not good enough to eat lunch with you?” email, which I thought was just a joke but it set off a stream of defensiveness in him (hmmm, maybe it wasn’t an oversight?). “Well, would you go if you were invited? You can go if you want,” blah, blah, blah. This prompted me to torture a friend of mine with a stream of emails about how men’s inability to issue a simple lunch invitation that includes a woman contributes to the frickin’ glass ceiling. I know, I know. Like I said, I just sent it to a friend.

Random grumpy thoughts:

1. What the hell is wrong with me – it’s FRIDAY! Friday an hour before everyone stops pretending to be productive!

2. If I hear one more radio commentary about the Govs of NY I’m going to vomit. Turn off the radio, please!!!!

3. “Freudenschade”, schadenfreude, wtf?

4. That set of long staple egyptian cotton towels I’ve been saving for when my mother or someone else nice visits so they don’t have to use my nasty ones that are getting thin and rough? He used them to mop the kitchen floor. Now I feel like an idiot for caring.

5. Was running on the treadmill at my gym last night. Realized I need a sports bra for my butt. (No, I’m pretty sure you can’t run in a girdle!) Why do the treadmills have to be lined up in front of everything else? It’s like being in front of a firing squad of judgment.

6. No, I haven’t gotten any work done today. What’s your point?

7. Did you know you can (maybe) have a stroke from a chiropractic adjustment or getting your hair washed at a salon? OK, I’m quitting the salads. Anything can kill you.

8. ABC thinks that the most fascinating revelation in Hillary Clinton’s schedule during Bill Clinton’s years in the White House is that she might have actually been on the premises at the same time he was having oral sex with Monica Lewinsky. That’s the best you guys can come up with? Who cares?

9. Don’t get me started on Horton and the anti-abortionists.

10. Stop confusing the issues with “gray rape.” Yes, there are gray areas. But why are we still talking about “I said no, I never said yes, but he wouldn’t stop” as a gray area?

“I still read your blog”

Yep, I actually spoke those words yesterday to an ex.  Apparently this is the 2008 geek version of “we’re still friends.”

I Recommend the Whooping Crane

Got Ride of the Valkyries for your father-in-law’s ring tone on your cell phone? Perhaps the Whooping Crane would be appropriate for your mother-in-law (I can say this since I don’t have in-laws). The Center for Biological Diversity has free wallpaper and ring tones of endangered species (and others of interest) for download at www.rareearthtones.com. You are asked to subscribe to their newsletter before being directed to the download page but you can unsubscribe at any time.

Right now there is a limited number of animals available but hey, if you want just the right owl you have 28 choices. There’s also a good selection of frogs and a number of birds. Cecily seems interested in the wolves, pikas and orcas but the Phainopepla actually gets her barking. According to ABC News there are more coming so if you don’t find just the right varmint for your relatives check back.

Isabel Allende in New TED video

I invite you to watch this new TED video of novelist Isabel Allende, as she reminds us that our world has much to do and the reason we still need feminists. Humor, passion and stories, not scolding, vacuous cheer leading or a pitch for anything other than for us to get to work.

If you like this one you may also enjoy her talk for the Lavin Agency, available on YouTube.